I am autistic, and an ADHDer, diagnosed late in life. For so long I struggled, ashamed of the fact I found it hard to do things I saw others do easily, feeling guilty, hiding all of this. I was a gifted child, so as long as I did well in school (top of my class, literally), no one thought I had problems that needed addressing. I struggled with the adjustment to university, dropping out (twice). Because I had learnt I had to be the best, I worked very hard at my job, getting promoted annually almost. I finally burnt out when my son was two, and was hospitalised with depression.
I've lost 10 years trying to get back to myself. I was on anti-depressants, which I probably did need at the time. I tried to come off them after two years, but I stopped when I was feeling worse during that process. Looking back now I know I shouldn't have, but no one bothered to tell me that reducing the dose of this particular medication makes you feel worse for a couple of weeks at least, and that will pass. If I had known, I would have at least waited a bit longer before making a final decision. I finally took my last dose in May this year, thanks to the knowledge shared by my pharmacist. Funny how my psychiatrist (this time and back in 2014/2015) didn't think to mention how the process would affect me.
I've had a private assessment for Autism, and for ADHD. Knowing I am autistic means I accept myself, and no longer try to be someone I'm not. I actually have self-confidence now! Still on a journey to understand myself better. Knowing I have ADHD means I am taking medication which has made me feel like my brain is working properly again. I'm finally able to do all those little things that mean I can function, like journal, write down reminders, manage daily tasks, and work properly! I've been out sick for months at a time over the past 10 years, a very slow process. First I was trying to get out from under the fog of depression. Then I was trying to find my feet again, and accept the status quo. Now I feel like I am living again, and not just existing. I am setting goals both professionally and personally and working to achieve them my way.
I know I still need support. I will have difficult days and moments, and there are things I can't do. I'm trying to work with my GP to get access to some kind of support, because even though I am lucky enough to work full-time in a well paid job, I can't afford to pay for a counsellor or private services for the rest of my life. And I will need something for the rest of my life. I've been diagnosed as autistic for five years, and that whole time I've struggled to find information on what is available for someone like me. I want to stay a contributing member of society, continue to pay my mortgage and my taxes. I'm not even looking for a medical card or a GP visit card. I have found it extremely difficult to find out any information by myself. AsIAM are also getting more groups up and running, and I think the journey would have been easier for the get go if I was diagnosed today. I discovered today that I can apply for access to community care, by accident, looking into something completely different. I am angry that I came across this by accident, that I hadn't heard of these services or even that I could apply for them earlier.
Moving on, my son and I both think he is an ADHDer too. He is also gifted though, so despite me asking and asking every year in primary, he never got assessed. He doesn't give anyone any problems, see? I asked for a referral to CAMHS so he could have an ADHD diagnosis, and today the letter came back saying they will not process it further, mainly because his school reports are so good, and aren't indicative of mental health difficulties. I am incensed. He is being punished for his intelligence. I will keep fighting to get him an assessment because he deserves to grow up confident in who he is, able to use his skills and gifts without being held back by trying to fit in and be like everyone else. I will make sure to give him support and the tools he needs so he doesn't experience the same burnout I did.
