Why we need more support for mental health

I am autistic, and an ADHDer, diagnosed late in life. For so long I struggled, ashamed of the fact I found it hard to do things I saw others do easily, feeling guilty, hiding all of this. I was a gifted child, so as long as I did well in school (top of my class, literally), no one thought I had problems that needed addressing. I struggled with the adjustment to university, dropping out (twice). Because I had learnt I had to be the best, I worked very hard at my job, getting promoted annually almost. I finally burnt out when my son was two, and was hospitalised with depression.

I've lost 10 years trying to get back to myself. I was on anti-depressants, which I probably did need at the time. I tried to come off them after two years, but I stopped when I was feeling worse during that process. Looking back now I know I shouldn't have, but no one bothered to tell me that reducing the dose of this particular medication makes you feel worse for a couple of weeks at least, and that will pass. If I had known, I would have at least waited a bit longer before making a final decision. I finally took my last dose in May this year, thanks to the knowledge shared by my pharmacist. Funny how my psychiatrist (this time and back in 2014/2015) didn't think to mention how the process would affect me.

I've had a private assessment for Autism, and for ADHD. Knowing I am autistic means I accept myself, and no longer try to be someone I'm not. I actually have self-confidence now! Still on a journey to understand myself better. Knowing I have ADHD means I am taking medication which has made me feel like my brain is working properly again. I'm finally able to do all those little things that mean I can function, like journal, write down reminders, manage daily tasks, and work properly! I've been out sick for months at a time over the past 10 years, a very slow process. First I was trying to get out from under the fog of depression. Then I was trying to find my feet again, and accept the status quo. Now I feel like I am living again, and not just existing. I am setting goals both professionally and personally and working to achieve them my way.

I know I still need support. I will have difficult days and moments, and there are things I can't do. I'm trying to work with my GP to get access to some kind of support, because even though I am lucky enough to work full-time in a well paid job, I can't afford to pay for a counsellor or private services for the rest of my life. And I will need something for the rest of my life. I've been diagnosed as autistic for five years, and that whole time I've struggled to find information on what is available for someone like me. I want to stay a contributing member of society, continue to pay my mortgage and my taxes. I'm not even looking for a medical card or a GP visit card. I have found it extremely difficult to find out any information by myself. AsIAM are also getting more groups up and running, and I think the journey would have been easier for the get go if I was diagnosed today. I discovered today that I can apply for access to community care, by accident, looking into something completely different. I am angry that I came across this by accident, that I hadn't heard of these services or even that I could apply for them earlier.

Moving on, my son and I both think he is an ADHDer too. He is also gifted though, so despite me asking and asking every year in primary, he never got assessed. He doesn't give anyone any problems, see? I asked for a referral to CAMHS so he could have an ADHD diagnosis, and today the letter came back saying they will not process it further, mainly because his school reports are so good, and aren't indicative of mental health difficulties. I am incensed. He is being punished for his intelligence. I will keep fighting to get him an assessment because he deserves to grow up confident in who he is, able to use his skills and gifts without being held back by trying to fit in and be like everyone else. I will make sure to give him support and the tools he needs so he doesn't experience the same burnout I did.

I have Aspergers

I was diagnosed last Tuesday with Aspergers, at the age of 38... and it still hasn’t fully sunk in.

Why am I crying!

It’s 8:30 pm on a Friday evening and I’m in the office still, big tears falling onto my keyboard. Why!

Thinking of myself as a woman

Until five years ago, I wouldn't have described myself as a woman, but as a human or a person.

oops

I meant to post here about how I've been feeling lately, but I published it to the wrong blog .... 

My Faith

A couple of days ago I mentioned on a forum post how excited I am in relation to the upcoming same-sex marriage referendum and the possibility it could pass here in Ireland.  I honestly want "Catholic" Ireland to be a thing of the past.  

I have this, and other more liberal opinions. Yet I call myself a Catholic and see no contradiction in this. A Catholic mind you, not just a Christian.  I believe in    the Nicene Creed, I believe in the Resurrection, I believe in Transubstantiation and I believe in the Virgin birth. These are all matters of Faith (with a capital F) because there is no proof of these occurring.  I believe the Pope is a Spiritual Leader for Catholics on Earth, and I believe the community of Catholics can be a force for good.  

I'm not a very good Catholic though, in some senses of the word.  I don't believe the Pope is infallible for one, and I think a lot of traditions and practices within the Catholic Church sprang up from its temporal role and power.  These fall under politics for me, separate from Spiritual matters. 

So how do I live my Faith? Love and forgiveness are the two main tenets.  We all have free will, every person is resposible for making their own decisions and living with them.  All I can do is make my choices according to whether I believe I am committing a sin or not, and forgive others who I think have sinned.

A big question I suppose is the question of life, reproduction and sex. Should sex be approached each time as a an occasion of creating life? And if it isn't, for  whatever reason, is it a sin? My answer to that last question is no. Sex is part and parcel of a couple's relationship, part of what makes them one. It's important for a strong stable relationship, which is important to form strong stable families in which to bring up the next generation. 

I don't agree with having children for the sake of having children. Each child deserves to be loved and cared for to the same degree. Modern science has taught us that conception occurs only when sperm meets ovum and implantation happens.  That is why I don't believe my use of contraception is a sin. I think the bigger sin would be not caring what type of life and care I want to give my kids.  Not everyone has these choices though, I acknowledge that. 

I do believe that abortion is a sin though, and I know personally I couldn't make that choice.  I will vote though if I get the chance for the limited legalisation of abortion here in this country.  We do not know for sure when consciousness begins or when life begins.  At six weeks, is a foetus who cannot survive outside its mothers womb alive or a possibility of life? My belief is mine, and I have no right to impose it on others. They have their own will, and their own responsibility for their choices.  

That is also why I absolutely believe in the   separation of Church and State, whether the religion in question is Christianity, Islam or Hinduism. Civil marriage is a right to which all citizens should have access, and no State should deny its own citizens the right to be who they are once this does not bring harm to others.

In fact I believe preventing citizens from forming close, loving relationships with a partner of their choice (same-sex or not) or living as the gender they feel they are (including on official documents) is harming them. And harming others for no good reason is a sin.

A second child

Since I was little, I always assumed that I would have two children.  It was the perfect number in my mind - after all I came from a two child family myself. 

Still I would like another child... I'd love to be able to give Darling a little brother or sister, someone to play with, to look after, to argue with and share experiences with.  I'd love another baby, another son or a first daughter to love and parent just as much as I love Darling.  Though Caro Mio knows that this is something I would like, we haven't had a serious conversation about this, as I've admitted I couldn't make that decision right now.  I am extremely overweight, and on quite a high dose of anti-depressants. Not ideal conditions for conceiving, right?

Lately though I've started to ponder if I should relinquish my hope for another child someday.  I have begun to accept that I will always be living on a knife edge, watching out that I don't succumb to anxiety or to depression.  I have to make decisions keeping this in mind.  That means not pushing myself to achieve certain things, if doing so will push me over the edge.  I have to keep my balance for myself, for Caro Mio and for Darling.  None of us deserve the hard time I put us through when I am sick.

And as a result I started to remember how I felt when I was pregnant, and just after Darling was born.  I am convinced that I suffered from quite bad ante-natal and post-natal depression.  I was incapable of standing up for myself, I was sad and crying all the time, and I hated the fact that I couldn't think of others the way I wanted to.  I couldn't express myself very well, and I wasn't able to tell the psychiatrist I was referred to in the hospital what was wrong with me.  I believed that I was making a big deal out of nothing, and that I could get out of it by myself.   I did get better a few months later, but not completely, and a couple of years later I was in hospital being treated for depression. 

So now the question is:  if I am pregnant again, will I be able to stay well enough to enjoy the experience?  Will I be able to stay well enough to remain a good enough mother to Darling?  I'm afraid that I wouldn't be... I'm afraid that I would put both him and Caro Mio through some horrible times, that having another child, or a little brother or sister would not make up for.  And how about the little baby?  If I have post-natal depression again, Caro Mio won't be able to support me like he did last time, because he will have to think of Darling.  I'm afraid again, afraid I won't be able to look after the baby like I would want to. 

My wish is too dearly held to give up just like that.  For now, I will continue to see if I can reduce my medication.  When (if) the time comes for me and Caro Mio to decide though, we will have to keep all of this in mind.