A second child

Since I was little, I always assumed that I would have two children.  It was the perfect number in my mind - after all I came from a two child family myself. 

Still I would like another child... I'd love to be able to give Darling a little brother or sister, someone to play with, to look after, to argue with and share experiences with.  I'd love another baby, another son or a first daughter to love and parent just as much as I love Darling.  Though Caro Mio knows that this is something I would like, we haven't had a serious conversation about this, as I've admitted I couldn't make that decision right now.  I am extremely overweight, and on quite a high dose of anti-depressants. Not ideal conditions for conceiving, right?

Lately though I've started to ponder if I should relinquish my hope for another child someday.  I have begun to accept that I will always be living on a knife edge, watching out that I don't succumb to anxiety or to depression.  I have to make decisions keeping this in mind.  That means not pushing myself to achieve certain things, if doing so will push me over the edge.  I have to keep my balance for myself, for Caro Mio and for Darling.  None of us deserve the hard time I put us through when I am sick.

And as a result I started to remember how I felt when I was pregnant, and just after Darling was born.  I am convinced that I suffered from quite bad ante-natal and post-natal depression.  I was incapable of standing up for myself, I was sad and crying all the time, and I hated the fact that I couldn't think of others the way I wanted to.  I couldn't express myself very well, and I wasn't able to tell the psychiatrist I was referred to in the hospital what was wrong with me.  I believed that I was making a big deal out of nothing, and that I could get out of it by myself.   I did get better a few months later, but not completely, and a couple of years later I was in hospital being treated for depression. 

So now the question is:  if I am pregnant again, will I be able to stay well enough to enjoy the experience?  Will I be able to stay well enough to remain a good enough mother to Darling?  I'm afraid that I wouldn't be... I'm afraid that I would put both him and Caro Mio through some horrible times, that having another child, or a little brother or sister would not make up for.  And how about the little baby?  If I have post-natal depression again, Caro Mio won't be able to support me like he did last time, because he will have to think of Darling.  I'm afraid again, afraid I won't be able to look after the baby like I would want to. 

My wish is too dearly held to give up just like that.  For now, I will continue to see if I can reduce my medication.  When (if) the time comes for me and Caro Mio to decide though, we will have to keep all of this in mind.

Overcoming adversity

Or to keep on keeping on...

This tree was badly damaged during the storms we had last winter - it was basically reduced to just a stump.  And yet here it is growing again, in a new direction.

So why does this hit a chord with me now in a way it never did before?  It might have something to do with the fact I'm officially closer to 35 than to 29 now, and squarely in my thirties. Or it could be to do with the treatment and healing process I've undergone during the past 2 years.  Either way I feel a lot more rooted, that I've found the life for me, than I ever have before. 

I still expect change, hopefully for the better, but this will take place within the framework of my marriage, my family, and my hard work.  These will continue to develop and change will come through that process.   I have dreams and goals as I did in my twenties. The difference between then and now is that my dreams and goals (and expectations) are contained within the framework I've mentioned above.  I no longer feel any pressure to achieve really high goals, like being on a company board, owning a big house, or going on expensive holidays every year.  So what if I grow in a sideways fashion rather than straight up? What's important is that I haven't given up and decided to stay exactly as I am, and that both Caro Mio and I keep on learning and looking to improve how we can during the years ahead.