A second child

Since I was little, I always assumed that I would have two children.  It was the perfect number in my mind - after all I came from a two child family myself. 

Still I would like another child... I'd love to be able to give Darling a little brother or sister, someone to play with, to look after, to argue with and share experiences with.  I'd love another baby, another son or a first daughter to love and parent just as much as I love Darling.  Though Caro Mio knows that this is something I would like, we haven't had a serious conversation about this, as I've admitted I couldn't make that decision right now.  I am extremely overweight, and on quite a high dose of anti-depressants. Not ideal conditions for conceiving, right?

Lately though I've started to ponder if I should relinquish my hope for another child someday.  I have begun to accept that I will always be living on a knife edge, watching out that I don't succumb to anxiety or to depression.  I have to make decisions keeping this in mind.  That means not pushing myself to achieve certain things, if doing so will push me over the edge.  I have to keep my balance for myself, for Caro Mio and for Darling.  None of us deserve the hard time I put us through when I am sick.

And as a result I started to remember how I felt when I was pregnant, and just after Darling was born.  I am convinced that I suffered from quite bad ante-natal and post-natal depression.  I was incapable of standing up for myself, I was sad and crying all the time, and I hated the fact that I couldn't think of others the way I wanted to.  I couldn't express myself very well, and I wasn't able to tell the psychiatrist I was referred to in the hospital what was wrong with me.  I believed that I was making a big deal out of nothing, and that I could get out of it by myself.   I did get better a few months later, but not completely, and a couple of years later I was in hospital being treated for depression. 

So now the question is:  if I am pregnant again, will I be able to stay well enough to enjoy the experience?  Will I be able to stay well enough to remain a good enough mother to Darling?  I'm afraid that I wouldn't be... I'm afraid that I would put both him and Caro Mio through some horrible times, that having another child, or a little brother or sister would not make up for.  And how about the little baby?  If I have post-natal depression again, Caro Mio won't be able to support me like he did last time, because he will have to think of Darling.  I'm afraid again, afraid I won't be able to look after the baby like I would want to. 

My wish is too dearly held to give up just like that.  For now, I will continue to see if I can reduce my medication.  When (if) the time comes for me and Caro Mio to decide though, we will have to keep all of this in mind.

Darling

I was wondering today about where the word "darling" comes from.  I've found myself using it a lot lately - my son is now my Darling with a capital D, and I address him as such rather than using his name more and more often.

When I was a girl, I wanted to grow up to be a Lady.  My idea of a Lady was of someone very proper, always well dressed, and ready to handle every situation thrown at her.  Part and parcel of that was of course using the correct vocabulary of which "darling", or rather, "dahhling", was a highlight.  After a while though I forgot to try and use it, and discovered it was harder than I had imagined to grow up.  All ideas of Ladyhood were soon shelved.

I never really used any terms of endearment with my family, and the only one I applied to anyone else was "honey" or "hon".  So when I met my husband, I unleashed all my creativity on him.  I call him "Amore", "Caro Mio", "Caro" or even "Husband".  He doesn't like it when I call him that :)   I rarely call him by his name though, unless it's a serious conversation. 

When our son was born, Husband (let's refer to him as that here) immediately started giving him nicknames and using terms of endearment.  The one that stuck was "trottolino", which is why I am now "trottolina".  I on the other hand borrowed these, and didn't have my own private way of addressing Darling.  Well, I do now!  Even though he says to me (at three and half years old):

"I am not Darling, I a Big Boy!"