Why we need more support for mental health

I am autistic, and an ADHDer, diagnosed late in life. For so long I struggled, ashamed of the fact I found it hard to do things I saw others do easily, feeling guilty, hiding all of this. I was a gifted child, so as long as I did well in school (top of my class, literally), no one thought I had problems that needed addressing. I struggled with the adjustment to university, dropping out (twice). Because I had learnt I had to be the best, I worked very hard at my job, getting promoted annually almost. I finally burnt out when my son was two, and was hospitalised with depression.

I've lost 10 years trying to get back to myself. I was on anti-depressants, which I probably did need at the time. I tried to come off them after two years, but I stopped when I was feeling worse during that process. Looking back now I know I shouldn't have, but no one bothered to tell me that reducing the dose of this particular medication makes you feel worse for a couple of weeks at least, and that will pass. If I had known, I would have at least waited a bit longer before making a final decision. I finally took my last dose in May this year, thanks to the knowledge shared by my pharmacist. Funny how my psychiatrist (this time and back in 2014/2015) didn't think to mention how the process would affect me.

I've had a private assessment for Autism, and for ADHD. Knowing I am autistic means I accept myself, and no longer try to be someone I'm not. I actually have self-confidence now! Still on a journey to understand myself better. Knowing I have ADHD means I am taking medication which has made me feel like my brain is working properly again. I'm finally able to do all those little things that mean I can function, like journal, write down reminders, manage daily tasks, and work properly! I've been out sick for months at a time over the past 10 years, a very slow process. First I was trying to get out from under the fog of depression. Then I was trying to find my feet again, and accept the status quo. Now I feel like I am living again, and not just existing. I am setting goals both professionally and personally and working to achieve them my way.

I know I still need support. I will have difficult days and moments, and there are things I can't do. I'm trying to work with my GP to get access to some kind of support, because even though I am lucky enough to work full-time in a well paid job, I can't afford to pay for a counsellor or private services for the rest of my life. And I will need something for the rest of my life. I've been diagnosed as autistic for five years, and that whole time I've struggled to find information on what is available for someone like me. I want to stay a contributing member of society, continue to pay my mortgage and my taxes. I'm not even looking for a medical card or a GP visit card. I have found it extremely difficult to find out any information by myself. AsIAM are also getting more groups up and running, and I think the journey would have been easier for the get go if I was diagnosed today. I discovered today that I can apply for access to community care, by accident, looking into something completely different. I am angry that I came across this by accident, that I hadn't heard of these services or even that I could apply for them earlier.

Moving on, my son and I both think he is an ADHDer too. He is also gifted though, so despite me asking and asking every year in primary, he never got assessed. He doesn't give anyone any problems, see? I asked for a referral to CAMHS so he could have an ADHD diagnosis, and today the letter came back saying they will not process it further, mainly because his school reports are so good, and aren't indicative of mental health difficulties. I am incensed. He is being punished for his intelligence. I will keep fighting to get him an assessment because he deserves to grow up confident in who he is, able to use his skills and gifts without being held back by trying to fit in and be like everyone else. I will make sure to give him support and the tools he needs so he doesn't experience the same burnout I did.

I have Aspergers

I was diagnosed last Tuesday with Aspergers, at the age of 38... and it still hasn’t fully sunk in.

Why am I crying!

It’s 8:30 pm on a Friday evening and I’m in the office still, big tears falling onto my keyboard. Why!

Thinking of myself as a woman

Until five years ago, I wouldn't have described myself as a woman, but as a human or a person.

oops

I meant to post here about how I've been feeling lately, but I published it to the wrong blog .... 

My Faith

A couple of days ago I mentioned on a forum post how excited I am in relation to the upcoming same-sex marriage referendum and the possibility it could pass here in Ireland.  I honestly want "Catholic" Ireland to be a thing of the past.  

I have this, and other more liberal opinions. Yet I call myself a Catholic and see no contradiction in this. A Catholic mind you, not just a Christian.  I believe in    the Nicene Creed, I believe in the Resurrection, I believe in Transubstantiation and I believe in the Virgin birth. These are all matters of Faith (with a capital F) because there is no proof of these occurring.  I believe the Pope is a Spiritual Leader for Catholics on Earth, and I believe the community of Catholics can be a force for good.  

I'm not a very good Catholic though, in some senses of the word.  I don't believe the Pope is infallible for one, and I think a lot of traditions and practices within the Catholic Church sprang up from its temporal role and power.  These fall under politics for me, separate from Spiritual matters. 

So how do I live my Faith? Love and forgiveness are the two main tenets.  We all have free will, every person is resposible for making their own decisions and living with them.  All I can do is make my choices according to whether I believe I am committing a sin or not, and forgive others who I think have sinned.

A big question I suppose is the question of life, reproduction and sex. Should sex be approached each time as a an occasion of creating life? And if it isn't, for  whatever reason, is it a sin? My answer to that last question is no. Sex is part and parcel of a couple's relationship, part of what makes them one. It's important for a strong stable relationship, which is important to form strong stable families in which to bring up the next generation. 

I don't agree with having children for the sake of having children. Each child deserves to be loved and cared for to the same degree. Modern science has taught us that conception occurs only when sperm meets ovum and implantation happens.  That is why I don't believe my use of contraception is a sin. I think the bigger sin would be not caring what type of life and care I want to give my kids.  Not everyone has these choices though, I acknowledge that. 

I do believe that abortion is a sin though, and I know personally I couldn't make that choice.  I will vote though if I get the chance for the limited legalisation of abortion here in this country.  We do not know for sure when consciousness begins or when life begins.  At six weeks, is a foetus who cannot survive outside its mothers womb alive or a possibility of life? My belief is mine, and I have no right to impose it on others. They have their own will, and their own responsibility for their choices.  

That is also why I absolutely believe in the   separation of Church and State, whether the religion in question is Christianity, Islam or Hinduism. Civil marriage is a right to which all citizens should have access, and no State should deny its own citizens the right to be who they are once this does not bring harm to others.

In fact I believe preventing citizens from forming close, loving relationships with a partner of their choice (same-sex or not) or living as the gender they feel they are (including on official documents) is harming them. And harming others for no good reason is a sin.

A second child

Since I was little, I always assumed that I would have two children.  It was the perfect number in my mind - after all I came from a two child family myself. 

Still I would like another child... I'd love to be able to give Darling a little brother or sister, someone to play with, to look after, to argue with and share experiences with.  I'd love another baby, another son or a first daughter to love and parent just as much as I love Darling.  Though Caro Mio knows that this is something I would like, we haven't had a serious conversation about this, as I've admitted I couldn't make that decision right now.  I am extremely overweight, and on quite a high dose of anti-depressants. Not ideal conditions for conceiving, right?

Lately though I've started to ponder if I should relinquish my hope for another child someday.  I have begun to accept that I will always be living on a knife edge, watching out that I don't succumb to anxiety or to depression.  I have to make decisions keeping this in mind.  That means not pushing myself to achieve certain things, if doing so will push me over the edge.  I have to keep my balance for myself, for Caro Mio and for Darling.  None of us deserve the hard time I put us through when I am sick.

And as a result I started to remember how I felt when I was pregnant, and just after Darling was born.  I am convinced that I suffered from quite bad ante-natal and post-natal depression.  I was incapable of standing up for myself, I was sad and crying all the time, and I hated the fact that I couldn't think of others the way I wanted to.  I couldn't express myself very well, and I wasn't able to tell the psychiatrist I was referred to in the hospital what was wrong with me.  I believed that I was making a big deal out of nothing, and that I could get out of it by myself.   I did get better a few months later, but not completely, and a couple of years later I was in hospital being treated for depression. 

So now the question is:  if I am pregnant again, will I be able to stay well enough to enjoy the experience?  Will I be able to stay well enough to remain a good enough mother to Darling?  I'm afraid that I wouldn't be... I'm afraid that I would put both him and Caro Mio through some horrible times, that having another child, or a little brother or sister would not make up for.  And how about the little baby?  If I have post-natal depression again, Caro Mio won't be able to support me like he did last time, because he will have to think of Darling.  I'm afraid again, afraid I won't be able to look after the baby like I would want to. 

My wish is too dearly held to give up just like that.  For now, I will continue to see if I can reduce my medication.  When (if) the time comes for me and Caro Mio to decide though, we will have to keep all of this in mind.

A piece of string

Darling has cars, trucks, puzzles, an iPad, duplo, bref lots and lots of toys. But we've just spent the morning playing with a piece of string :)

We made a string telephone using two plastic cups and some regular kitchen string, and then had great conversations. When that game had run its course, the string telephone was laid on the ground and became an obstacle to jump over. In fact I got to witness a show, as Batman, Spider-Man, Captain America and Mr Tumble all took turns to jump over the string.

What a hassle free fun morning! 

FEAR

FEAR takes over


FEAR hides itself


FEAR makes you behave in strange ways


If you don't face it, FEAR grows and gets bigger and gets worse


I have faced my fear last week.  I still suffer from it... this evening I am shaking thinking about going into the office tomorrow.  What has changed so?  How have I benefited if I am crying from guilt and fear?  For one thing last week I didn't cry and didn't let the emotions out.  I was lying to myself and to others about how I was feeling, which is never a good thing.  Secondly I am able to acknowledge today that I need help making sure I get to work on time tomorrow - I've asked my hubbie to make sure I get to bed on time today, so that I get a good night's sleep tonight.  Talking to him like this has also prevented me from making silly decisions like attempting to log into to the office right now and work all night - which you and I know would not produce good results.


So this is the beginning of the journey to conquer this fear...  how long will it be before I can change all my bad habits?

Bedtime

First, comes the negotiation
How many stories?  A song? A cuddle?
Then the kiss goodnight to Papa
And finally up the stairs


In your bedroom you look out the window
Run around and laugh
Making things as difficult as possible
For me to get your pyjama's on


Next stop is the en-suite
To brush your teeth and pee
I never forget to hunt for
Your teddies, always on my bed


Then it's story time
You choose the book
I read it, and sometimes Doggy
interrupts... we laugh


Lights out, music on,
And perhaps a song
You fall asleep and I lie
beside you and watch you sleep


Then I get up quietly and tip toe out...


Sweet Dreams

Overcoming adversity

Or to keep on keeping on...

This tree was badly damaged during the storms we had last winter - it was basically reduced to just a stump.  And yet here it is growing again, in a new direction.

So why does this hit a chord with me now in a way it never did before?  It might have something to do with the fact I'm officially closer to 35 than to 29 now, and squarely in my thirties. Or it could be to do with the treatment and healing process I've undergone during the past 2 years.  Either way I feel a lot more rooted, that I've found the life for me, than I ever have before. 

I still expect change, hopefully for the better, but this will take place within the framework of my marriage, my family, and my hard work.  These will continue to develop and change will come through that process.   I have dreams and goals as I did in my twenties. The difference between then and now is that my dreams and goals (and expectations) are contained within the framework I've mentioned above.  I no longer feel any pressure to achieve really high goals, like being on a company board, owning a big house, or going on expensive holidays every year.  So what if I grow in a sideways fashion rather than straight up? What's important is that I haven't given up and decided to stay exactly as I am, and that both Caro Mio and I keep on learning and looking to improve how we can during the years ahead.

Political Parties in Ireland

I often feel that politics in Ireland today is still tied too much to the past, and to the fight for independence and the set up of the state.

This has been highlighted again for me with what happened this week: Gerry Adams' arrest as part of the investigation into Jean McConville's murder and disappearance, and the reaction of his Sinn Fein party colleagues. 


Sinn Fein is always going to be linked to the nationalist cause, and it's recent attempts in the Republic at least to reinvent itself as a left-wing party smack to me of too much populism.  Too many parties don't seem to have a definitive stance on what they want society to be like, and just adopt policies which are likely to get them elected.  If Sinn Fein were really a left-wing party, they would support the water charges and the property tax instead of campaigning against them.  These are progressive taxes which will hit high value and bigger property owners more than the average householder.  Those who don't own property will not be affected by these.  Instead Sinn Fein has the repeal of both these as one of their main campaign points. 
The comments made by Sinn Fein members this week that the arrest of Gerry Adams was politically motivated smack to me of hypocrisy and point marking.  If anyone who had thought of changing their vote to Sinn Fein was revising their decision after the arrest, this debate would have made up their mind.  A response such as - we fully support the PSNI in their investigation, we trust that they are not attempting to get involved in politics and we know that they will shortly release our party leader, who is innocent - would have raised the party in my estimation in oh so many ways.  Unfortunately they had to pander to their nationalist base, and return to separatist pre-peace process rhetoric.

A new skill...

Last Monday, Caro Mio and Darling went to Lidl first thing and bought me a sewing machine on the day one of their regular special offers began.  They just made it, as there were only two left one hour after opening...

When I go home after work I opened the box, and made sure that the machine worked just by plugging it in, but it was too late to start threading it and trying it out; that had to wait until the weekend.

So yesterday I took out the machine, and for the first time ever in my life I wound a bobbin, and discovered that a sewing machine uses both top and bottom thread!  After reading the user manual, I cut a piece of scrap fabric, and tried a few of the settings with a contrasting colour thread.  The results were not very pretty, but I felt ready to move on to bigger and better things.

After dinner I made a toilet roll cover using pieces of fabric and ribbon I had already.  It took a bit of unpicking and re-sewing before I got it right, but I'm mighty proud of the result. 

Next project:  placemats for the kitchen table!

Thursday the 1st of August

Today was a day for random thoughts, glancing at ideas and topics before the next one slipped into view...

I missed the bus to the station this morning, which means I had to walk there in the rain, the heavy rain which soon had soaked through my raincoat.  My hands, my arms, my back, my legs, my hair... all dripping with rain.  But then this evening as I crossed the grass verge outside the estate, I caught the smell of the earth which had absorbed all this water, and it was so rich and pleasant I smiled. 

I've finally been handed the opportunity to get the experience I need at work which I can use to qualify as an accountant, but after today I'm afraid it will be pulled from under me... by subterfuge... I need to make sure I remain involved, and fight my corner.  I've been on this project for 6 months, and I know it inside out... or should I bow out gracefully and concentrate on MIS, and testing, which would be enough work for any one person anyway?  Trying to juggle work-life balance and career path is proving to be tough.

Today I've vacillated between feeling optimism and pessimism about my physical self.  I forget most of the time that I am obese, due to years of comfort eating, and picture myself as svelte and sensual, especially when I'm listening to music that makes me feel like dancing.  I know I eat too much crap (especially peanuts with chocolate and M&S chocolate chip cookies) and drink way too much Diet Coke (up to two litres a day... I know... I'm embarrassed to admit it).  The only answer will be more exercise  -  but who wants to get out of bed early to go cycling?  And after I dinner is the only chance I get to be with Darling, so that hour is sacrosanct.  Though maybe the two of us should exercise... I should get him to dance with me :)  already one of his favourite games!  Ok, tomorrow night we'll get the bank holiday weekend off to a great start with a classic from my youth... get your funk on y'all!

 PS can't let today go without mentioning Berlusconi finally getting his just desserts - we told Darling at dinner tonight he was watching history on the news... It was all that was on the Italian evening news...

Darling

I was wondering today about where the word "darling" comes from.  I've found myself using it a lot lately - my son is now my Darling with a capital D, and I address him as such rather than using his name more and more often.

When I was a girl, I wanted to grow up to be a Lady.  My idea of a Lady was of someone very proper, always well dressed, and ready to handle every situation thrown at her.  Part and parcel of that was of course using the correct vocabulary of which "darling", or rather, "dahhling", was a highlight.  After a while though I forgot to try and use it, and discovered it was harder than I had imagined to grow up.  All ideas of Ladyhood were soon shelved.

I never really used any terms of endearment with my family, and the only one I applied to anyone else was "honey" or "hon".  So when I met my husband, I unleashed all my creativity on him.  I call him "Amore", "Caro Mio", "Caro" or even "Husband".  He doesn't like it when I call him that :)   I rarely call him by his name though, unless it's a serious conversation. 

When our son was born, Husband (let's refer to him as that here) immediately started giving him nicknames and using terms of endearment.  The one that stuck was "trottolino", which is why I am now "trottolina".  I on the other hand borrowed these, and didn't have my own private way of addressing Darling.  Well, I do now!  Even though he says to me (at three and half years old):

"I am not Darling, I a Big Boy!" 

Sallins Train Station

The station house restoration is finished, and the ticket office has finally moved from the portacabin. It's so clean and still smells of fresh paint...

Heart

Yesterday I was happy, content and sure of myself.

My heart hurts right now. 

With your help tomorrow will come.