Overcoming adversity

Or to keep on keeping on...

This tree was badly damaged during the storms we had last winter - it was basically reduced to just a stump.  And yet here it is growing again, in a new direction.

So why does this hit a chord with me now in a way it never did before?  It might have something to do with the fact I'm officially closer to 35 than to 29 now, and squarely in my thirties. Or it could be to do with the treatment and healing process I've undergone during the past 2 years.  Either way I feel a lot more rooted, that I've found the life for me, than I ever have before. 

I still expect change, hopefully for the better, but this will take place within the framework of my marriage, my family, and my hard work.  These will continue to develop and change will come through that process.   I have dreams and goals as I did in my twenties. The difference between then and now is that my dreams and goals (and expectations) are contained within the framework I've mentioned above.  I no longer feel any pressure to achieve really high goals, like being on a company board, owning a big house, or going on expensive holidays every year.  So what if I grow in a sideways fashion rather than straight up? What's important is that I haven't given up and decided to stay exactly as I am, and that both Caro Mio and I keep on learning and looking to improve how we can during the years ahead.

Political Parties in Ireland

I often feel that politics in Ireland today is still tied too much to the past, and to the fight for independence and the set up of the state.

This has been highlighted again for me with what happened this week: Gerry Adams' arrest as part of the investigation into Jean McConville's murder and disappearance, and the reaction of his Sinn Fein party colleagues. 


Sinn Fein is always going to be linked to the nationalist cause, and it's recent attempts in the Republic at least to reinvent itself as a left-wing party smack to me of too much populism.  Too many parties don't seem to have a definitive stance on what they want society to be like, and just adopt policies which are likely to get them elected.  If Sinn Fein were really a left-wing party, they would support the water charges and the property tax instead of campaigning against them.  These are progressive taxes which will hit high value and bigger property owners more than the average householder.  Those who don't own property will not be affected by these.  Instead Sinn Fein has the repeal of both these as one of their main campaign points. 
The comments made by Sinn Fein members this week that the arrest of Gerry Adams was politically motivated smack to me of hypocrisy and point marking.  If anyone who had thought of changing their vote to Sinn Fein was revising their decision after the arrest, this debate would have made up their mind.  A response such as - we fully support the PSNI in their investigation, we trust that they are not attempting to get involved in politics and we know that they will shortly release our party leader, who is innocent - would have raised the party in my estimation in oh so many ways.  Unfortunately they had to pander to their nationalist base, and return to separatist pre-peace process rhetoric.

A new skill...

Last Monday, Caro Mio and Darling went to Lidl first thing and bought me a sewing machine on the day one of their regular special offers began.  They just made it, as there were only two left one hour after opening...

When I go home after work I opened the box, and made sure that the machine worked just by plugging it in, but it was too late to start threading it and trying it out; that had to wait until the weekend.

So yesterday I took out the machine, and for the first time ever in my life I wound a bobbin, and discovered that a sewing machine uses both top and bottom thread!  After reading the user manual, I cut a piece of scrap fabric, and tried a few of the settings with a contrasting colour thread.  The results were not very pretty, but I felt ready to move on to bigger and better things.

After dinner I made a toilet roll cover using pieces of fabric and ribbon I had already.  It took a bit of unpicking and re-sewing before I got it right, but I'm mighty proud of the result. 

Next project:  placemats for the kitchen table!

Thursday the 1st of August

Today was a day for random thoughts, glancing at ideas and topics before the next one slipped into view...

I missed the bus to the station this morning, which means I had to walk there in the rain, the heavy rain which soon had soaked through my raincoat.  My hands, my arms, my back, my legs, my hair... all dripping with rain.  But then this evening as I crossed the grass verge outside the estate, I caught the smell of the earth which had absorbed all this water, and it was so rich and pleasant I smiled. 

I've finally been handed the opportunity to get the experience I need at work which I can use to qualify as an accountant, but after today I'm afraid it will be pulled from under me... by subterfuge... I need to make sure I remain involved, and fight my corner.  I've been on this project for 6 months, and I know it inside out... or should I bow out gracefully and concentrate on MIS, and testing, which would be enough work for any one person anyway?  Trying to juggle work-life balance and career path is proving to be tough.

Today I've vacillated between feeling optimism and pessimism about my physical self.  I forget most of the time that I am obese, due to years of comfort eating, and picture myself as svelte and sensual, especially when I'm listening to music that makes me feel like dancing.  I know I eat too much crap (especially peanuts with chocolate and M&S chocolate chip cookies) and drink way too much Diet Coke (up to two litres a day... I know... I'm embarrassed to admit it).  The only answer will be more exercise  -  but who wants to get out of bed early to go cycling?  And after I dinner is the only chance I get to be with Darling, so that hour is sacrosanct.  Though maybe the two of us should exercise... I should get him to dance with me :)  already one of his favourite games!  Ok, tomorrow night we'll get the bank holiday weekend off to a great start with a classic from my youth... get your funk on y'all!

 PS can't let today go without mentioning Berlusconi finally getting his just desserts - we told Darling at dinner tonight he was watching history on the news... It was all that was on the Italian evening news...

Darling

I was wondering today about where the word "darling" comes from.  I've found myself using it a lot lately - my son is now my Darling with a capital D, and I address him as such rather than using his name more and more often.

When I was a girl, I wanted to grow up to be a Lady.  My idea of a Lady was of someone very proper, always well dressed, and ready to handle every situation thrown at her.  Part and parcel of that was of course using the correct vocabulary of which "darling", or rather, "dahhling", was a highlight.  After a while though I forgot to try and use it, and discovered it was harder than I had imagined to grow up.  All ideas of Ladyhood were soon shelved.

I never really used any terms of endearment with my family, and the only one I applied to anyone else was "honey" or "hon".  So when I met my husband, I unleashed all my creativity on him.  I call him "Amore", "Caro Mio", "Caro" or even "Husband".  He doesn't like it when I call him that :)   I rarely call him by his name though, unless it's a serious conversation. 

When our son was born, Husband (let's refer to him as that here) immediately started giving him nicknames and using terms of endearment.  The one that stuck was "trottolino", which is why I am now "trottolina".  I on the other hand borrowed these, and didn't have my own private way of addressing Darling.  Well, I do now!  Even though he says to me (at three and half years old):

"I am not Darling, I a Big Boy!" 

Sallins Train Station

The station house restoration is finished, and the ticket office has finally moved from the portacabin. It's so clean and still smells of fresh paint...

Heart

Yesterday I was happy, content and sure of myself.

My heart hurts right now. 

With your help tomorrow will come.