Since I was little, I always assumed that I would have two children. It was the perfect number in my mind - after all I came from a two child family myself.
Still I would like another child... I'd love to be able to give Darling a little brother or sister, someone to play with, to look after, to argue with and share experiences with. I'd love another baby, another son or a first daughter to love and parent just as much as I love Darling. Though Caro Mio knows that this is something I would like, we haven't had a serious conversation about this, as I've admitted I couldn't make that decision right now. I am extremely overweight, and on quite a high dose of anti-depressants. Not ideal conditions for conceiving, right?
Lately though I've started to ponder if I should relinquish my hope for another child someday. I have begun to accept that I will always be living on a knife edge, watching out that I don't succumb to anxiety or to depression. I have to make decisions keeping this in mind. That means not pushing myself to achieve certain things, if doing so will push me over the edge. I have to keep my balance for myself, for Caro Mio and for Darling. None of us deserve the hard time I put us through when I am sick.
And as a result I started to remember how I felt when I was pregnant, and just after Darling was born. I am convinced that I suffered from quite bad ante-natal and post-natal depression. I was incapable of standing up for myself, I was sad and crying all the time, and I hated the fact that I couldn't think of others the way I wanted to. I couldn't express myself very well, and I wasn't able to tell the psychiatrist I was referred to in the hospital what was wrong with me. I believed that I was making a big deal out of nothing, and that I could get out of it by myself. I did get better a few months later, but not completely, and a couple of years later I was in hospital being treated for depression.
So now the question is: if I am pregnant again, will I be able to stay well enough to enjoy the experience? Will I be able to stay well enough to remain a good enough mother to Darling? I'm afraid that I wouldn't be... I'm afraid that I would put both him and Caro Mio through some horrible times, that having another child, or a little brother or sister would not make up for. And how about the little baby? If I have post-natal depression again, Caro Mio won't be able to support me like he did last time, because he will have to think of Darling. I'm afraid again, afraid I won't be able to look after the baby like I would want to.
My wish is too dearly held to give up just like that. For now, I will continue to see if I can reduce my medication. When (if) the time comes for me and Caro Mio to decide though, we will have to keep all of this in mind.
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